Aboard Providence Page 16

  She pulled her hand away. “Is that your idea of a proposal?”

  “No!” Jonah snapped, surprising them both. He stepped back a pace and raked his fingers through his hair. “I will not propose marriage unless I know you’ll go with me. You obviously have your doubts about us and I won’t leave a fiancée behind.”

  “Any doubts I have could be cured by some assurance.”

  Jonah lifted a palm. “Assurance? From me?”

  “Yes.” Desperate to hear that he loved her, she stepped closer. “From you.”

  “The only assurance I can give you is that I will always strive to do what is right. If there is a way for me to return to Philadelphia, then it is right that I go. I want you with me. Have no doubt, Marian, I want to keep you in my life, but if you break your promise to me, I will still have to leave.”

  Her throat felt hot as if speaking another word would release the torrent of emotion that ached to spill from her heart. She stood still, with her back to the ocean and stared at the beautiful and mysterious gray leaf trees. She wanted to run to the forest and get lost in all the possibilities therein. Instead, she faced Jonah. “Can’t you be a doctor here?”

  “No, I need to get my degree. I’m nothing without that title.”

  “That’s not true!” she yelled.

  “It is for me.”

  “That’s what this is about? Your vanity? Would you risk your life and mine on another voyage at sea for the possibility of earning a piece of paper to validate your vanity?”

  “There is more to it than vanity.”

  “You have more noble reasons?”

  “Of course—”

  “What are they?”

  He sank both hands into his coat pockets and glanced around them. “I’ve already told you: to clear my name.”

  “What if the trouble between the States has gotten worse? What if we get lost at sea again? Would you risk our lives to clear your name?”

  “Yes… no… if I truly believed your life would be at risk, I never would have asked you to go with me. The voyage back will probably not be like the voyage coming here. And unlike our fathers, I doubt the rebellion of the Southern States could lead to war in America, at least nothing that would truly endanger our lives or our plans. If our fathers wanted to settle land, they should have simply gone out West like everyone else. We shouldn’t have come here. And I never would have left Philadelphia if my father hadn’t needed me.”

  Her heart sank when he spoke of their circumstances as if the voyage was a ghastly mistake. The elders had felt sure the migration was God’s plan for them. This adventure was her dream. She hadn’t intended for her life to become entangled with the one man who wanted to leave, but now that it was, he should show her dream some consideration. “And if you hadn’t come with us, you wouldn’t have fallen in love with me. Or are you in love with me? Am I simply an unexpected detail you’ve woven into your plans?”

  “Unexpected, yes. Simple, no.” He drew a hand out of his pocket and raised it in the air. “How could you think that?”

  “Because you are indifferent to my desires.” Her volume grew as her frustration found her voice. “And you dismiss my dreams!”

  He did not respond for a moment, and she wished he would. It felt cathartic to let out all that she had suppressed, but he wouldn’t argue long enough for her to gain any satisfaction from the verbal sparring. Her insides burned with the heavy pressure of anger and trembled with the delight of desire.

  She tried to think of something else to say to provoke a response.

  He only looked out to sea.

  Maybe she had already gone too far. If he found her impertinent, she might lose him altogether. “Jonah, I’m—”

  He snapped his head toward her and held up a finger. “Do not apologize. You’re right about me dismissing your desire to stay here, but you’re wrong to question my love for you.” He stepped closer and touched her shoulder. His gaze followed his hand as he traced it along her arm. When he spoke, his voice was quiet but full. “Just because I don’t spout my feelings and my faith like the rest of these people does not mean I’m any less fervent. Do not mistake my discretion for indifference. My every breath burns with longing for you. I love you, Marian. I will make a life with you, but I want that life to be something we are both proud of, so I must finish what I started years ago. It’s who I am. Don’t you want that for me?”

  She nodded.

  He closed the gap between them and pulled her into his arms. “You’re important to me, and I’m sorry if my ineloquence has made you doubt my affection. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but I want you with me, not just for my sake but for yours as well. I can take care of you, and I will protect you no matter what we face. Don’t back out now.”

  “I won’t… I won’t break my promise to you.” She let her cheek rest against his chest and heard his heartbeat. She was with him now and alive now and yet this moment felt like a shadow of something she was both anticipating and dreading.

  It all felt impossible.

  She was standing on the land she had dreamed of, wrapped in the arms of the man she loved, and yet she was miserable. Once again, the notion of future contentment had baited her into perpetual sorrow. But it was her familiarity with deep sorrow that enabled her deep joy. She pulled back to look into his eyes. “Whatever happens, everything will come out all right. I know it will.”

  “You still believe that?”

  “Of course.”

  “You said that of my father’s injuries and you were right. He recovered. You said that on the ship, and we made it to land. Can you say that my father and I will part on good terms and that you and I will find our way safely home?”

  “I can say it, but I won’t.”

  Jonah loosened his hold on her. His expression was the mix of desperation and confidence that kept her intrigued. A slight grin moved his lips and he shrugged. “And why not?”

  “Because I believe we are already home.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  After an evening of charting the stars, Jonah removed the telescope from its tripod stand and said goodnight to Mr. Weathermon. He collapsed the tripod’s legs and carried the telescope back to his family’s tent, but stopped before going inside. A faint orange light glowing in the distance drew his attention to the shore. Gabriel and some of the other young people were gathered around a low-burning fire.

  It had been so long since he had relaxed in the company of peers. Though they had gone to grade school together, Gabriel and Henry and the others hardly seemed like peers because they did not share his goals or struggles or experience. If he did not make his way back to America, they would be the generation he would spend his life with and he rather liked the idea.

  He had watched these men battle the wind and the waves for months at sea to make a dream come to life. He once thought their dream was foolish, but now he admired their plan and the determination they had shown. Maybe he had more in common with them than he first thought. No, they had accomplished their goal and he had not; they were successful and he was a failure.

  He quietly placed the telescope inside his family’s tent and then backed out, closing the canvas behind him. Moonlight lit his path as he walked through the tall grass to the beach. The hum of the ocean ebbed with the outgoing tide and laughter rose from the group seated around the fire. He thought he heard Marian’s voice among them, so he picked up his pace.

  Gabriel sat beside Marian on a log and poked the fire with a long stick. He said something and she chuckled, but the words were muffled by the sound of the waves as Jonah approached. Though Gabriel had never shown romantic interest in Marian, it angered Jonah to see another man sitting close to her and making her laugh.

  Surely it was only meant in a friendly way.

  If Gabriel thought he had a chance at Marian’s heart, it was Jonah’s fault for not making his feelings known. He had focused so much of his energy on keeping his intentions hidden, he had kept his affection for Marian
concealed too. And she would not have told anyone about their growing relationship, considering the secrets that underpinned their future.

  He had never wondered if other young men were interested in her. If he did have to leave the Land without her, it would only be natural for another man to love her someday. Maybe it would be Gabriel. Jonah hadn’t considered it until now. Gabriel had claimed admiration for Olivia, but she wasn’t reciprocating his interest. Maybe now he was shifting his focus to Marian. And why wouldn’t he? She was pretty and warm-hearted and optimistic.

  When Jonah neared the fire, the jealous questions were burning inside him hotter than any flame. He loathed the feeling. He had come to the beach because something drew him to be a part of them, but before arriving he already felt excluded. As he reached the end of the path, he stopped before stepping onto the sand.

  Marian leaned her head back and looked up at the stars. She was somehow explicitly one of them and separate all at once. Thus far he had worked to keep himself separated. He had to leave, so it would be unwise to form any more attachments, but maybe for one night he could be one of them.

  Marian’s features became clearer in the firelight as Jonah approached. Gabriel nudged her as he spoke and she chuckled. Though Jonah’s logic affirmed their socializing was only platonic, he clenched his jaw, grinding his molars until they ached.

  Olivia and Peggy were sitting on a log across the fire from Marian, laughing at whatever Gabriel had said. Henry was perched on an overturned bucket beside Peggy, using the firelight to examine a stick as he shaved off its bark. He wasn’t the only one who wanted to reconfigure their seating arrangement.

  Gabriel continued his story and they all laughed again. His outgoing nature and good humor made him a friend to all. Jonah genuinely liked Gabriel and didn’t want petty jealousy coming between them. Besides, in a community this small, it would be detrimental to let personal aggravation cause division.

  The laughter died out as Jonah stepped off the path and onto the beach. He looked at Gabriel. “May I join your party?”

  Olivia and Peggy had their backs to the path and were startled when he spoke.

  Marian glanced up and smiled the moment her gaze met his eyes. “Jonah! I’m so glad you’ve come.”

  Gabriel’s grin disappeared. He looked at Jonah then at Marian then back at Jonah. His grin returned. “Of course, come join us,” he said as he stood and held an open palm to his half of the log bench. “Take my seat.”

  Peggy scooted close to Olivia on their log, nearly shoving her off. She patted the empty space. “Here Jonah, I’ve made room for you. Sit by me.”

  Olivia rolled her eyes. “Behave yourself, Peggy.”

  Peggy smiled coyly. “Whatever do you mean?” When Olivia chortled, Peggy huffed. “I was only being polite.”

  Jonah ignored the girls and sat beside Marian. “Thanks, Gabe.” He put his hand to Marian’s back then leaned in and kissed her cheek, making sure his territory was clear.

  Gabriel tucked his chin somewhat sheepishly and found a seat on the sand beside Olivia. Peggy blew out a breath and moved back over on the log. Henry glanced up from his whittling and his mouth opened slightly.

  Jonah stayed close to Marian. She leaned her shoulder against his side, and he liked it. He could feel everyone watching them, and he liked that too. “So what did I miss?”

  “Hm?” Marian hummed.

  “Something must have been funny. I heard the laughter from the camp.”

  Olivia gave a chuckle. “Gabriel set a crab trap yesterday, but by this morning he’d only caught a squid.”

  When Jonah glanced at him, Gabriel began to retell the story.

  Jonah kept his hand on Marian’s back and pretended to listen to Gabriel, but all he could think about was the warmth that came through the fabric of her dress. It was the warmth of a woman who had dreams and interests and alluring attributes and for some reason loved him enough to sacrifice her contentment to try to make him happy. It was what she had grown up doing for her mother, so she didn’t question it. Most people took advantage of those with a compliant nature, but he would not. It was one more reason she needed his protection. He had to return to America; he could not help that. He would take her with him, but he would make sure she had every luxury possible once they were home.

  As Gabriel retold his story, everyone laughed, and briefly Jonah felt young again. When Marian laughed, Jonah felt the movement of her back beneath his hand. She was happy here with her friends in this new land. And for a moment beneath the stars and oval moon, he wished he could stay in the Land and be happy too.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jonah hammered the last nail that secured the doorframe in the entryway of his family’s new house. The two-room cabin was a shack compared to their Chincoteague Island home and barely a shed compared to his grandfather’s sprawling estate, but it was better than the tent they had been sleeping in since leaving the ship. And because the elders had possessed the foresight to stock the ship’s hold with small stoves and basic furniture, it would not be as uncomfortable as Jonah had first imagined. With all of the men working together, the basic house was completed in the two weeks since coming to the Land.

  The final strike of the claw hammer bent the nail instead of driving it through the gray leaf lumber. The unusual wood allowed nails to penetrate easily, but refused to give them up. It made no sense. Jonah turned the hammer around to extract the nail and groaned, ready to be done with work for the day, ready for his life to make sense again.

  Once he freed the nail, he stepped out of the cabin and inhaled the cool dusk air. His father, Mr. McIntosh, and Gabriel came from the back room, carrying tools.

  Doctor Ashton followed the men to the doorway and gave Mr. McIntosh a hearty pat on the back as he crossed the threshold. “Anna will be thrilled to move in here tomorrow. After living on a ship and then living in a tent, she is ready to have a solid roof over her head. Thank you for helping us build so quickly.” He pointed at Gabriel. “You’re becoming an excellent carpenter, just like your father.”

  As the McIntoshes walked the path back to their tent, Doctor Ashton stayed in the open doorway and leaned his shoulder into the frame. “This is the way it should be.”

  Jonah wasn’t so sure. He felt as though he should be quick to disagree and say they should be back in America—he an MD, making rounds at a hospital in Philadelphia, and his family enjoying life at their country estate. But the Land had stirred him on some deep level. Marian longed to stay here and he wanted her happy. He tilted his head to look up at the stars. Maybe he could be content here too. This picturesque place was trying to bewitch him. He had fought distractions his entire college career, and this was no time to fall prey to beguilement.

  He placed the hammer in a wooden toolbox in the yard and straightened the other tools. His father had to be wrong. This couldn’t be how life was supposed to be and his grandfather would have scoffed at their meager conditions. Perhaps his father was simply referring to finally being off the ship or finally being able to walk stably or maybe he was enjoying the breeze and the intoxicating smell of the gray leaf trees. Still, it bothered Jonah. He glanced at his father. “What do you mean the way it should be?”

  Doctor Ashton knocked on the wood of the doorframe. “This. Neighbors helping each other build houses and fathers working with sons. All of it. Did I tell you the elders decided each man is to teach his profession or craft to his eldest son? This will ensure no skill is lost over the generations. Brilliant custom, isn’t it? Gabriel is suited for his father’s work, just as you are suited for mine. It will be an honorable tradition, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t mind because I’ve already chosen the same profession as you, but I spent five years in university study to learn it. What profession will George, Isaac, and James learn if they are raised in this isolated place? They won’t have a chance of an education here.”

  “Of course they will. Mrs. Owens is going to resume their lessons once
all of the families are settled in houses. And there is plenty for the elders to teach them. This place is exactly what we dreamed of… better even.”

  Jonah shook his head. “This settlement is being built in haste.”

  Doctor Ashton stepped out of the doorway. “What are you saying, son?”

  “I want to go explore the rest of the island. I can’t accept that no one lives here, that this land is ours for the taking. We are building houses and establishing traditions, and we haven’t even surveyed the land or the possibility that we can’t stay here. The ship is scrapped and we won’t get far in the boats if we’re forced to leave.”

  Though his father’s face drooped in disappointment, Jonah continued, carefully choosing his words, trying to be sensitive. “I believe this is Saint Helena, and if it is, we cannot simply stake a claim. Mr. Weathermon has agreed to go with me to explore the island. We’d like to leave tomorrow.”

  Doctor Ashton rubbed a hand over his face. “Charles agrees with you? He hasn’t said a word about it to me.”

  “He doesn’t agree with me about this being Saint Helena, but he does agree that we should survey the land.”

  “When did he say this?”

  “We talk about it at night when we are out charting the stars.”

  Doctor Ashton raised both palms. “He hasn’t mentioned it to the elders.”

  “Because he isn’t one of the elders. He came on this journey for the adventure and as your friend. He isn’t concerned with establishing settlement rules and traditions and building cabins like the rest of you.”

  Jonah lowered his voice, not wanting to upset his father. “We plan to follow the coast north and perambulate the island until we make our way back to the settlement. If we don’t return to our starting point within seven days, we will turn around and retrace our steps home, but I believe we will find a port town sooner than that.”